I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Less talking, more tequila
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize