Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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