I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
