I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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