Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
