I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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