yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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