You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
