I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
