i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
BRING THE BAGELS
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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