Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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