I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
