God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
