im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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