I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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