It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize