What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
