I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When are your genitals available?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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