If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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