My underwear smells like fireworks.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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