tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Do vagina's smell?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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