Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
