wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
