True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
