I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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