They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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