I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
