there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize