Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
