i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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