I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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