Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
