you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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