who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
