how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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