Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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