It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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