if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
