I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
