I wanna passion pit in your ass
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
