If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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