Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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