I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
