I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
