I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
