i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
