my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
