just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
