i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
