I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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