last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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