You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
