4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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