After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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