maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
