The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
