You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
