I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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